This is an ongoing collection of quotes I've collected over the past several years. Some of them were found in various places online, others were submitted by Marapets users. Feel free to use them in your siggy, profile, etc.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

In the end, it'll all be okay. And if it isn't okay, it isn't the end.

Don't beat yourself up. "What-ifs" are poison.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

The important thing is moving through life looking through the windshield and not the rear view mirror. (Dr. Blue, "The Vet Life")

Focus on the stair, not the staircase.

Gossip is the devil's telephone. Best to just hang up.

Gardening is cheaper than therapy and you get tomatoes.

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. (submitted by Fae)

A slinky is like a person - not much use in many ways but puts a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. (submitted by argon87)

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing it doesn't go in a fruit salad. (submitted by emzyem)

Why are we always doing things "for goodness's sake"? Who is Goodness? What did they ever do for us? (submitted by crazycat777)

If at first you don't succeed, failure might be your thing. (submitted by lavalamp321)

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katharine Hepburn (submitted by LilyEvensPotter)

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? (submitted by loveya1234)

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to? (submitted by loveya1234)

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. (submitted by loveya1234)

Love me or leave me. Hey! Where's everybody going?? (submitted by loveya1234)

It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow. (submitted by loveya1234)

Why does mineral water "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year? (submitted by loveya1234)

If you stole a pen from the bank is it classified as a bank robbery? (submitted by loveya1234)

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer - then it hit me. (submitted by loveya1234)

Roses are red, violets are blue. Who cares - so are crayons. (submitted by loveya1234)

What do you call a female daddy long legs? (submitted by loveya1234)

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten pound marshmallow and when I woke up the pillow was gone. (submitted by loveya1234)

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. (submitted by loveya1234)

Unite against togetherness! (submitted by loveya1234)

Quitting smoking is easy - I've done it a hundred times. (submitted by loveya1234)

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? (submitted by loveya1234)

Excuse me, but I think my karma just ran over your dogma. (submitted by loveya1234)

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (submitted by loveya1234)

Your village called, their idiot is missing. (submitted by loveya1234)

Girls/Guys are like lava lamps: good to look at, but not very bright. (submitted by loveya1234)

It's not that I am anti-social. I just don't like you. (submitted by loveya1234)

If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister? (submitted by loveya1234)

Now I understand why some animals eat their young! (submitted by loveya1234)

I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet. (submitted by loveya1234)

If you need space join NASA! (submitted by loveya1234)

Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling! (submitted by loveya1234)

Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate! (submitted by neomaraneomara)

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. (submitted by tastymuffins)

Coffee isn't my cup of tea. (submitted by tastymuffins)

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! (submitted by tastymuffins)

He who laughs last didn't get the joke. (submitted by tastymuffins)

Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge. (submitted by giggles99)

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say you want oranges. (submitted by giggles99)

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why try? (submitted by XxcatsxmaruxX)

I believe in free will - I have no choice. (submitted by Scooterb)

If I throw a stick will you go away? (submitted by lilaj378)

If a tree falls in a forest on a mime and no one is around, does he scream? (submitted by lilaj378)

I'm just a chocolate bar... sweet but half nuts! (submitted by lilaj378)

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Do not follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls. (submitted by Desmothsenes)

Being stupid isn't a bad thing, you're just overdoing it. (submitted by babygirl1721)

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? (submitted by timburtonlover15)

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? (submitted by timburtonlover15)

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? (submitted by timburtonlover15)

If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of... OMG! (submitted by 2fleas)

People who live in glass houses should dress in the basement.

You have the Midas touch - everything you touch turns to a muffler.

What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

What's another word for thesaurus?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

They told me I was gullible. And I believed them.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich.

Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone.

I had amnesia once. Or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

How can there be self-help groups?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's the speed of dark?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

To err is human; to moo, bovine.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.